Worst Mission EVER
by Elkian
Summary: If your crazy martial arts master ever asks you to take a special business card to an old friend, it's time to find a new dojo.
1. Slogging through the mud

Worst Mission EVER

Ch1 Slogging through the mud…

Mize was lost. She'd been running around in this GODFORSAKEN FOREST for…she checked her watch – 5 and a half hours.

She'd been sticking yellow post-it notes on the more familiar trees, but discovered that most of the forest's denizens were either stupid enough to copy her and re-stick them at random, or smart enough to move or steal them on purpose.

She was a little touchy at this point. Like dynamite, only without the neutralizing agent.

"If I spend," she growled, "one more **stinkin' minute** in this forest, I am going to _scream_-" Then she tripped on a root and whacked her ribs on a convenient, low-hanging tree branch.

"URAAAAAAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHAGAHGAAGH!!!!!!"

Jin cocked one ear to the evil-infested forest. "Sounds like a tantrum," he remarked.

Rinku, who was engaged in an argument with Shishiwakamaru at that very moment, glared.

"What was that?!"

Jin looked up.

"Not you and Shishi, li'l buddy. From the forest," he indicated with a finger.

"Well, then, check it out." The shriveled crone of a temple-master startled all of them.

"Okay. Hey, Toya, come with." The diminutive warrior sighed and got up to follow his friend.

Mize, after beating the **crap** out of that annoying bat-guy, had managed to leave the forest.

Now she faced a swamp.

"Oh, Mize-chan, go to this temple of my old friend and give her this little bitty card that I could have sent through the mail, okay? Oh, sure, sensei, not a problem. What's that? Booby-trapped main path? That's okay, I'll just cut through this here forest – save time AND build up some muscles! He could have at least mentioned that she booby-trapped the forest TOO…."

Her incessant grumbling was halted by her first footstep into the swamp – sinking her steel-toe hiking boot a good four inches in the stuff.

"GaH! Don't complain, you're building fortitude. Fortitude is squishier than I thought. Distract yourself, focus….umm….Slogging through the mud, grass stains on my knees, I'm all out of luck, and I'm out of trees la la la!"

It was at this point that she fell face-first into the mire.

46 minutes later, Jin and Toya dragged the mud-covered, half catatonic girl into the temple. It was deserted save for Genkai and Yukina. The aged master met them at the door.

"Thanks, boys, I'll take it from here. Wakey wakey," she nudged the prone mass with her foots as the men departed. Mize managed to lift her head. Then she sat up, dragged forward her backpack, pulled out a card (after a few moments of rummaging) and presented it to the psychic.

Genkai took the card, brushed it off (it was laminated), analyzed it, then turned back to the ice maiden. "Yukina, get her a bath and something to wear until we get her clothes clean. Put her bag by the shoe-shelf."

The sweet apparition gently led the half-dazed girl to a linen closet, pulling out a large bath towel and handing it to Mize, who apparently had no trouble with stripping down in the deserted hall.

As she wrapped herself with the towel, the teen asked, "Where's this shower?"

Yukina blinked. "Well, she said bath, but if you'd prefer-" "Please." "Um, down this way. Oh!" She stopped at a door, opened it, entered the room, and came back momentarily with dress.

It was pink.

Mize stared at distastefully, then stated the obvious. "Pink."

Yukina beamed. "Isn't it nice?"

Mize sighed, resting her fingers on her brow. "No offense, Yukina-san, but if I'd rather go commando than wear pink panties – which no one can see – so how much more do you think I'd rather stick with the towel that wear that…lovely…dress?"

Yukina blinked. "But…"

"It's okay, I'll just wait until my clothes are dry. I'd really like that shower now," she leaned forward a little to stress the intensity of her desire. "REALLY like it. Please, lead on."

Yukina pointed down the hall. "The shower is on the second door to your left," she said helpfully, "I hate to leave but I must get lunch started or…" "I understand. Hungry boys to feed, right? Go on ahead, I'll manage."

Yukina bowed and swiftly retreated, leaving Mize to soon enjoy the luxury of a nice, hot…locked ….door. With quiet, off-key singing and steam escaping under the bottom.

A muffled _snerk_ drew her attention to a long-haired man with wandering eyes and a decent samurai getup leaning on the wall. "I bet Yukina forgot all about Suzuki's shower hour, huh? Don't bother looking around, all the other showers are either occupied or in a different part of the compound."

"Great," grumbled the P. teenager, "just great." Animated talk and a familiar set of heads soon distracted her from her dilemma. 'Oh, good,' she thought with a bit of sadistic joy, ', it's Chimp-boy and F***less.' She headed in that direction.

Yusuke was enjoying a totally random conversation with Chu when he heard Kuwabara's yelp. He decided to ignore it, an unwise move. He didn't even notice the barely-garbed figure sneak up behind him until she exhaled as loudly as possible on his ear.

Easily dodging her friend's wild fist, Mize smirked. "Hiya, F****less." She shot the happy eyes at him (^^).

Yusuke glared at her, then grinned and turned fully around. "I'd ask why you're here, but I'm more wondering what's up with the towel…and how long can I expect to see it around?"

She would have answered, but by that time Kuwabara had joined them, rubbing his ear with an annoyed expression. "Got her greeting too, huh man? Geez, you're lucky. **I** get a Wet Willy every time she sneaks up on me."

Mize would have given him the most sadistic response manageable, but luckily for him the bathroom squeaked open and a tall, lean figure came out, wearing a hair and hip towel set.

"Thank YOU," she said barging past him. Still annoyed at her ordeal, however, and that he'd kept her from removing the mud sooner, she snagged his head towel and cracked his a** with it. She retreated into the bathroom with an evil cackle and a _click_ of the lock, leaving the amassed congregation either staring after her or at him.

"Suzuki," began Shishi, "BEAUTIFUL Suzuki-" he tried to correct, but was cut off by a harpy screech from the bathroom, "BEAUTIFUL? I'd give you a 5.8 on a scale of 10 - need to take care of those love handles, hon! – but it will shortly be reduced to 1.3 and you will shortly be reduced to a puddle of goo if you used all the hot water!"

The blonde demon stared at the door until Shishi, who was covering his eyes, flapped a rather **familiar** towel at him. He yelped, covered himself, and dashed for his room amid peals of laughter.

"I think I'm in love," remarked a star-struck Rinku.

Mize, who heard him through the door, smirked. 'THIS will be fun…or at least a great way to work off those seven hours in the forest…'

"Hey, you gonna be okay in there, Tomboy?" Yusuke had sidled up to the door, his back to it, and rapped lightly with his knuckles. "I know you're not comfortable around hygiene…stuff…."

"Not like YOU could tell, mister wear-the-same-shirt-eight-days-in-a-row!"

"At least I shower more than once a month! I bet your brothers are the ones who got you all clean-a-phobic."

"Clean-a-phobic? Not even a word, Yusuke! Plus, I won good money on that bet; it's not as if I ALWAYS go so long without cleaning!"

"I notice you say 'always', not 'ever' or 'usually'…."

"Does F***less want a Heaven-and-Earth to the throat? No? Well, then, shut up, man, and lemme shower in peace!"

The squeak of the faucet heralded the end of their conversation – and this chapter.


	2. we're all gonna scream

Worst Mission EVER

Ch2 …we're all gonna scream….

Mize had enjoyed a lovely 12-minute shower, her longest ever (not including the time she broke her wrist and wasn't allowed to sponge-bathe); now she wanted to see more of the compound. There was just one minor problem.

No clothes.

Wrapping the towel around her, she checked the hall – empty – and then looked towards the main concentration of noise, a TV room a few yards to her left. Since it looked like most of the building's inhabitants were gathered there, she dashed off in the opposite direction.

Amidst the quiet conversation, one person realized the change in the quality of sound.

"'ey, Urameshi, ain't your friend done showering?"

Yusuke looked up. "I'd be surprised if she hadn't finished already, but that mud (in her hair) looked like it'd take a chisel to move, so maybe…"

"The water's been turned off." Everyone turned to look at Toya. The tiny ninja glanced back to them. "And I thought I heard someone running down the hall a moment ago…"

Everybody got up and headed towards the bathroom. Sure enough, the door was wide open, steam rolling out in clouds, and lightly damp footprints headed in the opposite direction.

"Where could that little harpy have gone off to?" asked Suzuki, half interested, half rhetorical.

"Well," Rinku said, rather reasonably, "she didn't bring any clothes with her into the bathroom, and nobody (Yukina) came by with some for her, so…"

Chu looked up. "Tha's fair brillian', li'l buddy!"

Shishiwakamaru sniffed. "But the laundry's not in that direction; the only things that lay that way are the kitchen, MY bathroom, and…."

Most of the Tournament Six paled: "OUR rooms!"

They all rushed down the hall (except for Chu, who was really too drunk to care, not that he would anyway…) after the disgruntled girl.

Mize was rather surprised – when she'd seen the overly decorated doors of the hall, she'd figured the rooms behind would match. But the room with all the flowers and stuff was Suzuki's (His name was spelled out on the door in flower stickers; she decided to mess with his stuff before turning him into goo.), and the room with lots of ninja-y stickers was mostly bare – the name on that one was TOYA.

'Maybe they decorated each other's? Might have been part of some stupid ice-breaking exercise…'

She'd been even more surprised when she'd taken a REALLY good look around Suzuki's room. She'd looked them all over before she started; Toya's was neat and organized, more like a hotel room. Shishiwakamaru's had a futon and sword rack (above the futon. Erk…) laid neatly on one side – the other was crammed with a moldering pile of fan mail, books he'd obviously tired of in the middle, and some crude but disturbingly accurate sketches of the (nude) female body.

Chu's – at least, she thought that was the name, but it'd been spelled quite messily with beer bottle stickers – held mainly old alcohol containers, a booze-stained Playboy that'd never been opened, and a neatly arranged (obviously done by someone else) group of photos on a chest of drawers, mainly of that guy with the blue Mohawk and the kid who'd fallen for her. After a few moments of eyeballing the place (no way was she going in – no shoes and broken glass everywhere), she found the bed – under a huge pyramid of booze bottles.

The fourth room, Jin's, was almost equally messy, but less dark and gloomy than Chu's, probably due to the window. Instead of beer bottles, however, most of the mess was of manga and the last few months' Shonen Jumps. The closet lay partly open, revealing a few sets of clothes – calling them _outfits_ would be a crime – and, hidden partly behind a shirt, a few photos hung on the wall. She hadn't entered, so she had no idea who they featured.

The fifth room was Rinku's – it was somewhat less messy that the last two, mainly because the mess had had to flow around the TV and the set of drawers it was perched on across from the bed (so he could sit on the foot and watch). A VCR/DVD Player sat under it – a game system sat next to the TV, almost lost under all the game cartridges.

The floor-based mess was similar to Jin's – manga (though mostly not ecchi ones like Jin had) and Shonen Jumps. He probably traded with Jin. What wasn't graphic novels and toys was just a vague, pulsating _mess_ – it wasn't, as such, made up of things as it was more coexisting in a place that met certain criteria.

As she returned to Suzuki's, she realized that someone, with a silver Sharpie and drunken care, had scrawled 'The Beautiful' on the first flower sticker of his name.

Suzuki's room was almost obsessively neat, as if he would be less beautiful in ugly surroundings. In fact, he'd probably spend all the next day re-organizing because she'd entered.

There was a bed (Western style), but, unlike the other rooms, wasn't the cheap motel bed, but a divine box-sprung monster with a feather mattress pad and 1,000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. There was a tidy bookshelf across the room; next to it was a rather out-of-place workbench – though kept clean when out of use, it was obvious it was the most trafficked part of the room…except for maybe the closet.

Noting the experiment stains on the floor by the bench, she slid open the closet – horizontal wooden slats, rather large and somewhat rough-looking, like in every room – and discovered just how whacked [The Beautiful] Suzuki really was.

"Okay, WHERE IS SHE?!"

The search for Mize had led them all over the compound, but – to Suzuki's HORROR – had brought them too late to the rooms. They'd trudged back to the TV room ten minutes later….

…and found her perched on the back of the couch.

In Suzuki's clothes.

Ignoring (or being amused by) the narcissist's wail of terror, they all stared at her. Then Rinku popped up on the back of the couch next to her, looking at the paper in her hands. "What'cha got there?"

Mize glanced up and grinned. "Shishiwakamaru's fan mail."

Now Shishi looked worried. "Um, what?! Did you really go into my room, root through my private stuff-"

"Some things more private than others, hmm, Mr. Wannabe Artist?"

He flamed red. Toya stepped in and smoothly took over the conversation. "Why _did_ you go through our rooms?"

She flipped a letter over her shoulder – onto an already rather large pile on the couch, he noted – and answered with a grin, "I was bored. And a bit pissed about the whole trek-over-hill-and-dale-to-get-here bit. Plus, the best way to get to know someone is to look through their stuff….And, anyway, I needed clothes."

"Why take Suzuki's? It looks a bit large on ya, missy." Jin thrust his eager face around Toya's shoulder to address her.

She smiled. "1) I figured I'd humiliate him a bit before liquefying him. 2) His was the only room that was both safe enough to step barefoot into and odd enough to contain anything that might fit me. And, 3) – we have the same shoe size!" She wiggled her foot around excitedly before going back to the letters. "Hmm…a lot of these girls seem to like the idea of Suzuki and Shishiwakamaru together…"

Heads snapped around. "WHAT?!"

She went on, faking obliviousness. "This one pairs Shishi and Toya….this one Shishi and Jin….oh, hey, this one has Shishi AND Toya AND Jin." She flipped to the next page, then started turning it in around in her hand. "They even provided helpful diagrams…hmm... I know demon anatomy is different from human, but I'm pretty sure THAT isn't physically possible in this world or any other…"

Shishi made a flying leap and snatched the papers out of her hands. Unfortunately (for him), she'd been trained by Yusuke to pick pockets.

"'Dearest Shishiwakamaru, I hope you are well. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, hope to see you in the Tournament circuit again…' Next! Hmm… 'My darling blue haired samurai, I fear to voice such a terrible thing, but – alas! – I have heard terrible rumors about how …attached….you are to your team captain. Please, dearest, send to me correspondence denying this terrible thing! Yours truly…' …what a waste of paper. She's being all old-timey and yet the paper's got all these little robots embellished on it. Why can't these girls come out and say what they want? Oh, this one does: 'Hey, blue-hair, I'll be waiting for you…in order to….ummmmm….'…"

She dropped the paper like it had been set on fire in her hand, her face greened. Rinku ran forward to snatch it up, but Chu (who had never left the room and regarded Mize as yet another drunken hallucination) picked him up in one hand and all the other letters in another.

Jin's attention had been caught by something else. "You know we're…?"

She gave him a Look. "Hmm, let's see…I spent almost seven hours in that godforsaken, vermin-demon-infested forest, then trudged through a swamp filled with the distraught ghosts of long ago battles, then end up in a compound with three guys with natural blue hair, and one who has pointy ears, a fang, and a little horn on his head…no, of COURSE I don't know that you're demons!"

She would have followed up on this, but Yukina had joined them – with Mize's clothes in hand. "Oh, miss, I'd thought you didn't have….aren't those Suzuki-san's clothes?"

"Yeah, but -" she grabbed Suzuki, who'd just stopped spasming on the floor, with one arm in a friendly gesture "- he was kind enough to lend them to me, for the time being." 'Go on, make my day – try to contradict me.'

Suzuki knew he was beat, and had the sense to go down with dignity – though not completely without spite. "Yeah, I figured, even though they're a bit big for her, her being so short and all, that it wouldn't hurt to lend her a set."

Yukina smiled and chattered and generally was polite, until Mize finally took the clothes – and started to strip.

"M-miss?!" She looked up into the shocked faces of bystanders, then started to do her best _kyaa-perverts!_ impression, getting the six kicked out of the room in seconds. The hidden door was slid shut - then they realized that THEY'D gotten kicked out a public room where SHE'D just decided to change!

Suzuki'd had enough. He charged into the room – only to get a nice eyeful. She winked, then kicked him out again. It wasn't hard, considering he'd been stunned completely still.

"I guess that's your repayment for the towel incident," she called through the door. "I see you, you see me."

Shishi stood at the door, fist raised. "What about us?" he asked, both angry and smug, "Don't we get something to chase that horrible memory out?"

Mize just laughed. Rinku took the opportunity to sneak in, then, totally in little-kid-mode, asked innocent-sounding questions about the process of female dressing. All the guys (except for Yusuke and Kuwabara, who had evicted well before she'd started to change; they've known her for a while; and Toya, who is, well, Toya) were pressed flat on the door mostly thinking the same thing – lucky little b*stard!

I would just, as a closer to this chapter, like to point out that I do not usually swear, IRL or in my fics. However, I feel that some of the words could not be replaced or censored and still have the same impact. If you disagree or have spotted a typo or discrepancy, please email me.


	3. wolves chewing on our knees

Worst Mission EVER

Ch3: …wolves chewing on our knees…

"So, Mize-chan, why are you here?"

The brunette glanced up into the old psychic's eyes.

"My sensei asked me to bring you the card……he also wanted me to get familiar with the place. But I tell you, it wasn't easy getting here!" She smiled and rubbed the back of her head at that last.

"And he told you to trudge through the forest?"

"Not in so many words, but after making sure I knew the main path was booby-trapped…." Mize trailed off. Everyone was staring at her. "What?"

Genkai sighed. "That man…."

Mize looked like she'd just realized an eighteen-wheeler was barreling at her at top speed. "He DIDN'T…." One look at the temple master's face told all.

"Excuse me for just ONE second…" she said, holding up one finger. She made a mad dash for the bag that had been left on the shoe-rack, pulled out a camo-color phone, and stepped out onto the porch.

"Hello? Sensei? It's me…Kazumiya Mize?" Suddenly the sweetness in her voice vanished.

"Don't you DARE hang up. What? You know why…. WHAT?! No, I WASN'T asking about -! I will personally kill you the moment I get back to the dojo. No, I'm talking about the 'booby-trapped main path' of Genkai san's temple….no, I will NOT hold…you are NOT running out of batteries, you're on the dojo wall phone! No, you did NOT tell me the forest was trapped and the main path clean! You know I would have taken the main and never considered the forest had you said so! You are not breaking up, you effing liar! And don't even try to tell me you had the dojo phone forwarded; it's not compatible for that sort of thing! DON'T YOU DARE HAN-….f***er."

With that she strode back in, looking remarkably calm for someone who wanted to wring her teacher's neck.

"I told you…that man is one f***ing pain in the a**." Many of the temple-dwellers were shocked at the old lady's language, but it was abundantly clear how appropriate it was at the time.

Mize sighed. "He is that." She raised a fist to the ceiling, and mock-angrily called out, "Curse you, Kokuken Kai!"

"Your Aikido teacher? What'd he do to deserve such rage?" Yusuke had strolled up behind her without her noticing. She jumped half a foot in the air with a strangled yelp, then turned on her heels and grabbed his shirt collar with a glare.

"Don't DO that, Urameshi! Wait…" Her countenance grew puzzled. "How DID you do that? That's the first time you've actually snuck up on me in _years_."

"What, you mean you faked it all those other times?" He asked it with a wry smile, but her deadpan response made him adopt a more sullen look.

"Pretty much, yeah."

Genkai looked up from her tea. "So? What are you going to do?" The girl's blank stare made the aged psychic sigh. "Your sensei told me to train you, you being one of his few students with any potential at all. And I'd have to agree with him, after seeing you reduce three of my - sort of – students to weeping piles of goo. However, it'd be pretty damned stupid to try and hold you here against your will. So….what are you going to do?"

Mize stared at her for a moment longer. "Train me? What the Hell do you mean?"

Genkai raised one wrinkled lid and fixed a beady eye on the girl. "He means as a monster-slayer."

THAT had everyone in the room screech to a halt. Mize cocked an eyebrow. "You mean, like that Spirit Detective job? The one where only the first person was sane, and the other two were either psycho or worthless slackers?" Yusuke flinched.

Genkai had to chuckle at that. "Pretty much. Not sentient guys like these boys" – she pointed a thumb over at the fuming Suzuki, shaking Shishiwakamaru, and Yusuke, who leaning against the wall with the blue gloom line over his head – "but the mindless ones who can't shield their presence and might tip normal humans off that they're not alone in the universe."

Mize leaned one hip on the arm of the couch, considering.

Genkai sighed and put down her tea again. "I could teach you how to beat f***ing pain in the a** into a bleeding, quivering mass."

Mize's eyes lit up. "What do we cover first?"

Extras

Ending of this chapter I decided not to do:

Mize's eyes lit up. "What do we cover first?"

The last thing she remembered was a foot aimed at her eyes and a single word from her assailant.

"Dodging."

Yeah, a little shorter this time.

Anyone want to suggest some pairings? I didn't mean to make it so Suzuki/OC seeming, but….


End file.
